Monday, March 5, 2012

Countdowns and seafoam

I'm feeling really frustrated today. 

I have these moments, sometimes several days worth, when I'm anxious, waiting for things to shift and move.  Just so tired of being trapped and stagnating in this rut....things taking too long towards my impending fresh start and new beginning as everyone keeps promising me will soon come.

Ah, this "winter of my discontent" needs to come to an end already!!

Today I'm channeling my impatience into physical tasks, like painting and spring cleaning.  Makes me feel the way a gardner does when forcing a bulb to bloom indoors, ahead of its natural schedule, just out of need to see something blossoming, fruitful, beautiful.  I need proof of growth, need evidence of change. 

I want to feel joy and hope bursting through the dark, like eager tender shoots coming up through crusted soil.

There are 15 days until Spring Equinox.  There are 21 days until my divorce is final.  There are 23 days until I go on my vacation to visit "mother, mother ocean...I have heard your call..." down in Florida and shed my tears into the salty, cold Atlantic.

I always feel better after a visit with the waves.  Somehow the water makes me feel small, carried, just a hairs-breath from being swept away in the way that my emotional tides sometimes do...but even in that there is a dark beauty, a constant, a rhythm that and pattern that I cannot comprehen but can only trust is there....that there is a source beyond my ken, beyond my grasp of human understanding....that the waves and the shhh-shhh of the water lapping and crashing, turning rock and shells into sand over time and with patience....that there is a reason for all this.  That the Wheel will keep turning no matter what I do, no matter what happens, no matter how small my life may be in the cosmic scheme of things.

A little pleasure in that, despite my immediate pains. 

Change is inevitable.  Growth, maturation, decline, endings, renewal.  All of it happens in ways we sometimes cannot fathom, cannot prevent, cannot forsee, cannot anticipate or prepare for....but always, a continuation.

Sometimes you ride the Wheel....sometimes you are caught beneath its tread....but always, it moves forward.

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