Wednesday, May 2, 2012
But before I get into that whole story (and perhaps that's one for a different post, at a time when I'm feeling all gossipy and/or confessional-in-that-way-that-several-good-vodka-martinis-provide), I am still riding on the invisible coat-tails of Beltane energy and sort of letting it wake up my esoteric nerve endings.
Sort of like psychic yoga. Or astral knuckle-cracking.
This renewal, rebirth type of sensation is how I pretty much made it through the legal wranglings and past the emotional booby-traps. It was an amicable thing, for the most part...but there was still no shortage of feeling less than stellar about having tried to make a life with somebody who, in the end, decided that I wasn't the appropriate person to grow old with.
Truth be told, he wasn't perfect for me either, but me...well, being me...didn't want to give up because I don't like failure. Don't like letting go when there might possibly be one more small avenue of "trying to fix things" that I hadn't attempted.
But yeah. Did them all. Walked away with a clear conscience. And an empty wallet. And am stuck with a house I don't want...which I'm the primary on the mortgage still with the ex-husband...and am acting as landlord as he...and his new girlfriend...are about to move back in.
Like I said, long damn story. And possibly Jerry Springer. Which is tragic to think about.
My newly acquired freedom has given me a really, really big fat hug o' happiness. A second chance at living a more authentic life in many ways, instead of the drudgery and struggle to keep working on a relationship that I was the only one willing to work at it.
Which brings me to my point of today's little ramble: Beltane and the Magical Art of Asking the Right Questions.
Yes indeedy, folks. Talking about chatting with the "Deity-esque Mom and Dad" and telling them a heartfelt THANK YOU for the life-lesson I'd just endured....the clue-by-fours about what decent partnership and relationship should and should not look like, feel like....and now coming to them saying that I want to be open to trying again. You know, since I'm not entirely thrashed for the experience.
More so than the whole dating scene...I am trying to figure out exactly what it means to me in terms of being a priestess and witch. What it means to have a decent male around to my femaleness, in both a Circle-worthy sense and yeah, kinda in a wouldn't it be great to have that in an everyday sense too?
So that's where my head was at yesterday as I did my little bit of solo work. Which yeah, I get it, Beltane is the last place you want to be solo to begin with...perhaps more so as a Gardnerian...but still. Being alone was exactly the right thing for me yesterday, for making my appeal to the Mighty Ones and to my Gods. It was especially important because there cannot be room for the new, the better opportunity if there is still "stuff" in the way. Gotta make room, because hey, Nature abhors a vacuum and only when there is room for something new, will something new arrive.
And as for vacuums, I'm done with my life sucking big time like it has in recent years. Time to just settle my own self down, remember who I am, reacquaint myself to the core values and preferences and singular things that make me the unique and weird broad that I am....and then see what happens when there happens to be some puzzle piece that fits those now empty spaces.