Potions, lotions & aging gracefully

Now that we are actually going to have another "Practical Magic" movie coming out, and as we've just passed the Lughnasadh/Lammas turn of the wheel toward the mellowing of summer into the first hints of autumn light...here I am contemplating things through the lens of cronehood.

With the ((ahem)) not-so-modern science of herbal scrubs and tallow balms, the tech advances of red LED lights, and rose quartz Gua Sha stone tissue massages before breakfast, who needs a glamour spell?  Midlife crisis has been pushed out to 50 or even 55 now.  Heck with the speed of life today and the way we can alter our female hormones through medication or sheer stress, it can take longer to actually get to the shores of menopause and cronehood.

I was 53-1/2 years old when my biology finally caught on to the idea that motherhood was not anywhere on my bingo card.  Hot sweats to be cooled by midnight margaritas.  

That, and I didn't meet the man of my dreams until I was way past the usual sell-by date stamped invisibly on my forehead society.  He's a gem that thinks my Venus is more Willendorf than DeMilo but loves me for every squishy bit of it.

And this late-in-life edition of my romantic story arc has also renewed my interest in how the Goddess energy within me has come back to me with a face of a much more femme fatale version of Aphrodite than a girlish giggle or batting of eyelashes.  She's teaching me that seductive arts don't leave you, the energetic rush doesn't dissipate merely because you can no longer wear CFM pumps.  

There is less attention paid to rising hemlines and more emphasis on worshipping your loving partner for their successful life experiences.  The wisdom found in having become such a virtuoso kisser, how to treat ones partner with respect and yet still appreciate that he has learned the art of being both a gentleman and a savage in a way that a younger version couldn't master.

For me, I recognize that there really is beauty in each crinkle at the corner of my eye, carved there from a well-worn track of laughter and sometimes squinting incredulity at the idiocy of some of the shit the kids say today.  Every curve, however ample some may now be, that I possess, I have earned.  Some of it through learning to become a fabulous cook and some of it because I may well be a shapeshifting as lazy housecat on occasion.

Getting older as a GenX witch and knowing the weird/wyrd road that brough modern paganism into this bizarre mutation of Tiktok and underground retro traditionalism forcefed by socio-political agendas and taffypulled media narratives, it is both exhausting and liberating to behold.  I find myself laughing at the inside joke of "to be silent" is so much easier when you don't want to participate in the funhouse mirror of the bullshit that exists in paganism now.  It is polarized and warped so much, I have a deeper appreciation for wanting to just be left the hell alone to live in a cottage in the forest and culling my own herb garden in peace.

Once upon a time I had thought to teach, to hold a coven again, to write a book.  Now?  Why bother.  Bots and ChatGPT will just make it seem like it has all been said and done before.  No seekers come forward to work through experiential training.  No one gives a damn about lineage or consistency of practice alongside generational teachers.  And frankly, I don't think I want to expend the energy on the short attention spans I see around me.

It is ironic that the window of things being something joyfully passed down skipped out of town just when I was eligible to be one ready to pass it, like getting stuck with the pentacled hot potato.  Now it is passe.  

Kind of reminds me of the way I feel about thrifting and antiquing.  There are so many glorious treasures that have been discarded in all their gently patinaed, wabi-sabi goodness, and most of the world doesn't even seem to notice their value.

Like me.  I find I feel like that from time to time too, that because I've reached "a certain age" myself, I'm now sprinkled with the invisible dust and relegated to the knicknackery on hidden on the back shelf.  

But jokes on you.  I may well be happier here, among the dusty things.  The solid things that were hand made by artisans and not meant to be disposable and easily replaced or trendy.  The things that get more beautiful as they change and age and get more mellow with time and softness.

My witchery has grown like that too.  Like a garden that has matured and has gnarled, curled branches...roses blown wide apart with trembling petals and wavy edges....moss and mushrooms...soft pathways underfoot from being trod over decades.  It is less about discoveries and new exploration than it is about books as old friends and teas/tisanes that taste like honeyed brandy.  Familiar and dark and deep and cozy.

I've become the Aunts, not Sally or Jilly.  And I'm fine with that.

Opinion: Altars, public or private?

On a FB forum I participate in, a great question was brought up recently about how folks felt about posted pics of pagan or Craft altars.  

My opinion is that I don't find it problematic if others wish to share photos of theirs online, but I would not.  

Understandably, they have their own reasons for choosing to do so. 

·       Some feel that by sharing photos with the public they are taking away the "mystery" of it and helping to normalize the Craft or their version of pagan practice. 

·       Some are just proud of how pretty their version looks. 

·       Some want to give other folks some ideas for how they might want to decorate their own for the season or what tools and items might be relevant for a given ritual. 

·       Some use it for talking point discussions with those who are curious about the nature of what they practice. 

·       Some do it to proudly show their collections of carefully curated goodies that are meaningful to them.  

·       And yes, some do it to brag...but I suspect this is the tiny minority. 

Most of us have heard about that whole humility thing or have directly experienced what happens when you boast in front of gods.  There's whole volumes of folklore and myth tales that give us legendary warnings (literally LEGENDS) about how the gods feel about people getting too big for their britches.

As for me, there are oathbound reasons why I wouldn't share my traditions' altar publicly. 

But for my private altar spaces which are unrelated to any of the Gardnerian stuff I do, these are scattered throughout my home, and I have made the personal choice specifically not to share these either because they are special to me, both sacred and private. 

They contain elements of the conversations between my deities/my ancestors/my spirits and myself, and would therefore be of no concern to anybody else.  To share them online, for me, would feel intrusive, as if I were opening that singular and intimate relationship up to the views and commentary (possible scrutiny) of others.


The items, tools and symbols used in my altar spaces may be common or similar to what others use, or they may be wholly different and unique to the dialogues I have with Those that I am working with.

My altar acts as a visual language that perhaps would have need of translation to other people.  It would be subject to an interpretation that is too individualized to explain fully in a post or would require experiential exposure to grok as I do.

It is one thing for me to feel comfortable enough to invite someone into my home where they would possibly see some of these altar spaces (though not, obviously the trad one), because I already have some likelihood that they're aware of my spiritual inclination to some degree and are respectful enough to me as a person to know better than to start messing with stuff without asking. 

If a guest of my abode were to ask questions, then we could have something of a dialogue about what they're looking at based on their level of openness to such things and if it is superficial curiosity or genuine depth of seeking they're after. 

Or, some folks may just look at these altar spaces and think them merely a curious collection of knick-knacks, not seeing them at all in the way that I do.  That “hidden in plain sight” thing can come in handy at times too.

So I suppose I would say that those who are open to sharing photos online about what they do in the way that they do it....they should be welcomed to express their natures as they see fit.  I don't judge them for choosing this for themselves.


I, however, feel that my altars are occult, that is to say discreet and impactful only to me.  So showing others wouldn't properly portray the value and preternatural depth that the layout and objects present hold for me individually.  Thus, there really isn't any reason for me to open up that can o' worms.

In this internet world of EVERYTHING IS OUT THERE....this makes me consider the value of privacy and the impact of To Be Silent on my own individual practices.  As I am generally an introverted person by nature, by default I already tend to place a higher value on privacy and the selective disclosure of aspects of who I am and what I'm up to.  

My altars then, being an extension of myself, would follow in this vein too.

Into the West

In just three weeks time, I will be moving from 46 years growing up and living in Chicago to my new home in the Denver area.

A different climate, a different scene, a different spirit-of-place.

Brings to mind that I haven't really asked permission of the genius loci if I may invade their turf and set up shop, although I felt we were on very good terms during my prior multiple visits leading up to this life-changing adventure.



Makes me wonder what is the protocol for such things.  I mean, it isn't like you just bring a bottle of wine and a bouquet from the local florist, plonk them down in your new homeland and say "Hey all you local entities, ok if I hang out with you from now on?"

There's should be some sort of....I don't know....transaction, interview, agreement to terms....and if one is lucky, acceptance and/or adoption into the new community.

And I don't mean the local pagan community.

I know how to do the "visiting dignitary" thing and have already begun making polite introductions around, reaching out to folks.  I've let it be known that although I'm going to be new in town, I am a seasoned practitioner who may or may not be establishing a new covenstead sometime in the relatively near future, once I get settled in.

What I mean is sending out a polite aetheric calling card to the spirit guardians who reside there.

How does one let it be known that I come in peace and hope that we can be friends one day?  How do I express my gratitude for being in this land that is new to me, working with soil that is completely different from my Midwestern loam, with flora and fauna...and no doubt fae....which will be as foreign to me and I to them?  How does one make such an approach without any accidental impropriety?

These are the thoughts that float through my head while I continue to pack up the first half of my lifetime here in Chicago.  It is my hope that along with the new job, the new house and the new timezone, that I can find friends associated in all aspects of my new life in Colorado.

I know, I'll bring pizza.  Pizza works on everybody.

You CAN go home again

So what the hell happened?  The short answer?  The PA/NJ thing didn't pan out.  For a lot of reasons... 

In all seriousness, I found myself fighting through a severe depression/panic attack around mid November and decided that enough was enough.  Time to pack it in and go back home, trying to keep some dignity, some sanity...and having chosen the lesser evil of being mortified to be on unemployment during the holidays rather than exacerbating an untreated ulcer and having a full-on breakdown.

Tough life lesson there.  Learning that, sometimes, the smarter thing to do is to give up the present fight and live to fight another day.

So I'm back in Chicago.  Still working with my headhunter and interviewing a few times a week.  In many cases, I've "got the job" except that the employers know that the economy is in their favor so they can offer ridiculously low salaries and get desperate folks like me on sale.

The last two places I spoke with would have me work at the same rate I made in 1994...for an amount about one-half what I'd been making for the past 9 years.

Yeah, yeah.  I know that at some point I'm going to have to suck up my pride in order to eat and not default on my debts.  I really, really, really didn't want to be one of those divorcees who has to move back home with her folks until some knight in shining paycheck can come in and offer to pay half the rent and utility bills.

Damn proud Irish-Polish-German gal that I am, I wanna save myself.  Damn proud witch that I am, that's exactly what I'm gonna do, using every means at my disposal to get my energy and efforts flowing the right direction to get that to happen.  So. Mote. It. Be.

On the brightside, I do have the support of my covenmates and local witchy community pals.  Lots of generous folks who have offered to lend their own time and energies to helping me get my footing back on the path and my collective shit together in my head.

Ah, dear old life experience....am I still willing to suffer to learn?  Heck yes. YES!

But I'm about over the suffering for no good reason business.  Am ready to be productive and better able to use this low-point of my life as a jumping off point to something better.

For now, I'm focused on Solstice spiritual endeavors and Yuletide awareness.  Put up my tree, am taking my hikes in the woods to see what nature is up to, and am enjoying having my family and friends nearby to celebrate all that is good in this life.

And isn't that the whole point?  The belief and the trust that there is a new beginning around the corner.  Even though it may not be visible, it may not yet be tangible...but good things, new life, new growth....it is happening even now, behind the scenes.  We have to trust the process, the movement of the Wheel.

During the esbat last week, I got a thump on my noggin from Goddess-Mom and God-Dad. 
((internal dialogue in gently reprimanding and chuckling voiceover))

        Oh ye of little faith, daughter.  You know these better.

        These notions of Perfect Love and Perfect Trust...they are a constant in the world

        and they are what move the universe.  You have to stop trying to force what will not move,

        stop trying to figure out what isn't yours to discern or rectify. 

       Just open up, stop fighting everything that is presented to you and just trust, know,

       believe that there are things moving that you cannot see, actions taking place that you

      can neither control nor influence. 

      These are OURS to handle and you, daughter, have done your part.

      Trust that We love you and will do Ours.  We will help to get you where you need to be next.

Guess I needed that.  Needed that reminder.  And the funny thing is that the same message seems to be everywhere at this time of year and I just never saw/heard it properly until now  All this time, it has been echoed right in my face, and still I'd missed the obvious, Their message: 

    You've got to believe to receive.

Serendipity-do-dah!

I'm one of those people who believes there are no coincidences.  Things happen for a reason.  People enter into our lives and exit from our lives at the times that they do for a reason.

In my opinion, there is a things happen in the way that they do for, basically, one of two reasons:

The FIRST possible reason is causal reaction. 
Either you have done something / said something or didn't do something /didn't say something...and this has led you to this present situation or caused this present circumstance to occur.  By this, I mean you made a choice at some early point in time, and the present occurrence is a result of that decision (or lack of decision).  Thus, this seemingly coincidental occurrence is a consequential event brought about through your own influence in the world.  Karma, as witches tend to perceive it, says things happen in the NOW, not in the HEREAFTER, and we are responsible for the NOW and our movements in it that ripple onward.

The SECOND possible reason is that an outside influence is purposefully acting upon you.
Other persons or outside forces --which may be other living, corporeal beings in your environment OR may be at least beings of spirit capable of interacting with this plane of existence in some fashion like Divine Beings, the Mighty Dead, or other non-corporeal but active creatures-- they may elect to bring to some idea or life-lesson to your attention by "pinging" your perceptions about it.  Someone else's decisions are impacting your reality, causally or purposefully.  They, or at least their influence, is confronting you and challenging you to both notice that impact in your life and now make a conscious choice about how you will acknowledge and react to what they have shown you or caused to be acted upon you.

The important thing to remember in either circumstance --again, this is in my opinion-- is that YOU get to CHOOSE how you will acknowledge and accept and react to things. 

You get to process the situation, the content, and weigh it against your prior life experiences, calling to mind your emotional reactions to things, how you may or may not have reacted in prior circumstances, or if this is a wholly new experience for you, to judge it against anything remotely similar you've been exposed to and then choose what you feel is an appropriate reactive response.

What is unique to the witches' viewpoint here, is that we tend to be very attentive to the fact that we are in control of both our response AND how we internalize our immediate reactions to stimuli of circumstance.  In so doing, we get that heartbeat-wide space, that moment of captured breath, wherein we can sit with the emotion for just a bit and then decide if our usual gut-reaction or knee-jerk default response is appropriate and of due force given the situation.

We are aware, so very aware, that whatever feedback we give....that will bear continuing change outward, sent rippling and at some point, returning to us in a way we must be responsible for and accountable for.  We must be prepared to deal with what we send forth.  We must be accepting of what happens, since we are the mindful architects of our reality, we witches, we benders and shapers of our world.

This is often an uncomfortable role.  And yeah, everyone has "moments of humanness" when we would so much rather dive into the "ignorance is bliss" mode.  But when we've set foot on this path of the Craft....from the moment we'd declared to the Gods and the Mighty Ones that:

Yes, yes, yes! we do really want to suffer to learn,

and we really do want to have the power

 to move consciousness with our will, yes we do!

Well, my darlings, that comes with a serious price tag. 

You cannot un-know your fate, your burden of being responsible than the next guy.  You've accepted that yoke and now you must pull that around with you.

It isn't all bad though.

You do get to know more about the fact that you, YOU!, are the "man behind the curtain" in a lot of ways concerning your own destiny.  You aren't merely some pawn who is forced to mete out your life in a sort of rat-in-an-endless-maze kind of way.  There is enjoyment in accomplishment to be had.  There is personal recognition for growth and all those lovely epiphany moments that occur.

Like when you meet a friend for the first time and things seemingly just "click" between you naturally.

Or when you have a sense of deja vu about a locale and just seemingly know which turns to make to bring you to a destination that has something which feeds your spirit.

Or when you come across something remote and beautiful and meaningful, seemingly hidden in plain sight, just waiting for you to find and experience it.

There are no coincidences.

Wake up.  Pay attention.

The universe and all the creatures in it...they are speaking to you in symbolic language every day.

See.  Touch.  Taste.  Smell.  Listen.  Feel. 

Breathe with the whole of your being and take it all in.

Then, go do something miraculous with it.

DEJA BROOM: Debatable Intelligence

"DEJA BROOM" denotes a blog repost from my old site.  Feel free to read anew, or refresh your memory to re-live the ranty goodness.  Otherwise, feel free to skip ahead to more modern mayhem

I believe 95% of people come to blogs, online forums and chat groups to learn from each other.
Yes, we do get that small percentage of folks that come looking to get their ego stroked as if they are reincarnations of Merlin or Gandalf, Morgan le Fay or Glinda the Good witch. We do get those who want pity for their self-imposed victimhood, or those who want to make a buck off somebody buying their spells, online books, phone tarot readings or emailed sparkly doo-dads with crystals attached.
But pretty much the rest of us are here to exchange info and trade resources.  Young and old, new and seasoned....I don’t believe that the majority of people here in internet-land are attending merely to brow-beat and argue without purpose.

 The issue is that, I suspect, some folks who are not cemented with a firm footing in their own beliefs and understandings tend to mistake every dissention to their opinions to be a hostile attack from others.
Rather than seeing such things as an opportunity to scrutinize what they hold as a personal belief so that they may measure and weigh and test it to make sure it fit in a real scope...those who aren’t self-assured and actually practiced in their theories take any challenge on as a though it were the other party being mean, being needlessly abrasive.
To these folks I say: A challenge is not necessarily a conflict! An alternate view is not necessarily a threat! It is an opportunity to LEARN SOMETHING!!

If you hold a theory or opinion solely because you “just feel it to be true” and you haven’t road-tested it in practice….and then you are confronted by someone who challenges you and says they have road-tested such a theory and developed an alternate understanding about how realistic and practical and useful it is…..then yeah, you’re likely to feel like the other person isn’t being nice because they don’t just believe you because you say so.
In the end, it isn't about "the feeling that something is true" but the ability to prove it.
The proof must come from one's direct experience, and it is through experience that we can form an educated opinion. This educated opinion then, may be replicated by others, when they too take your same experience data and try it for themselves to reach the same conclusions you do.
This is what translates into provenance of factual data and historic reference.

If, however, the only "proof" one can provide for their theory or opinion when being given a challenge by others is "well...because it is my clever theory and I just feel it, ok?" Then that’s when the challenging opinion will cite evidence for why their theory is more appropriate.....when the other party produces factual-based evidence to the contrary.
Challengers won’t just say "I'm right, you're wrong, so deal with it!"...but if you take a deep breath and read carefully their responses without being immediately defensive, you too may see that YOU are the one who needs to step back and empathize. Test drive that opposing view and see how things look from that vantage point.
Now go back to your original theory that you just “felt” was true. Does your original opinion still hold water? Can you come up with justifiable, concrete evidence to counter this opposition and cite factual references beyond "well I just feel it?" as your reasoning?
At this crux, when opposing sides are engaged in a debate, that is when it is the mature tact to shut the hell up and listen. To see if there is a flaw in the logic being employed somewhere. To see if there was a miscalculation in the conclusions being drawn...or if logic was omitted entirely.
There is room for skepticism and fact in the Craft. Ours is not a religious persuasion rooted in dogma and scripture….ours is a founded in PRACTICE and the RESULTS achieved from the PRACTICE.
This is why it is a remarkably mature thing to do to sit back and be open to listening to others when they challenge you. Rather than being defensive and angered by someone questioning you, it takes strength to let your ego move out of the way so you can just allow the other opinions to come before you to be investigated further.....because you may find that what you held as truth may not be accurate after all.....or, you may find the means to gently explain to the opposition where their theory went awry.
You cannot accomplish intelligent debate through name-calling. Telling someone they are judgmental and short-sighted and stubborn and snobby and elitist and rigid and obsolete IS NAMECALLING.
You cannot win over the hearts and minds of others by "taking your conversation ball and going home" either. Doing the dramatic display of saying how everyone else is so close-minded and mean and then shutting down the conversation or deleting it is tantamount to throwing a tantrum and sticking your fingers in your ears.
No one can grow or modify or expand their understandings ….or to strengthen the resolve of their theories unless they have them challenged occasionally to see if they still hold true.

I've had plenty of pet theories of my own over the years, and been shown alternate viewpoints to them. The difference is, rather than dig in my heels and get defensive, I have learned to take a deep breath to squelch my inner warrior and now stop to listen and reconsider. To weigh the new info against my theory and see if my theory is still applicable. We all should reserve the right to augment, adapt or wholly change/rescind our latest theory based upon the new evidence and perspectives.
The most any of us sharing in this forum can hope for is that we come into occasional contact with folks we can relate to, whose opinions we respect even if we don't follow them all ourselves. The hope is that we are each adult enough to say, "Hmmm....I never tried that idea before, never considered things from that point of view, and so I'll have to take what you are saying under consideration."
At one time or other, every "truth" has been challenged.  The Earth was once thought to be flat. The Sun was thought to go around the Earth.
If it weren't for the light of new evidence, new expressions wrought with new facts shared, we’d still believe those things. That we have grown and shared and altered our perspectives, we have new theories today to believe and understand as truth.Everyone has pet theories. And you know what? That is ok. You are still, despite the dissenting comments, entitled to hold to your opinion.

DEJA BROOM: Humility, a state of grace

"DEJA BROOM" denotes a blog repost from my old site.  Feel free to read anew, or refresh your memory to re-live the ranty goodness.  Otherwise, feel free to skip ahead to more modern mayhem

I really don't understand where this concept of working through a traditional, degree-based system has been misconstrued by some as a pecking order indulgence, as if the sole purpose of having the hierarchy is to establish a one-way track toward declarative, ego inflation.

*Huh?*

Well, I'm here to tell you, that just hasn't been my experience of things at all.

In fact, progressing through the various levels of teaching and mastery of practice, working of oral and written lore and the like....well I have found that further one progresses into working within the constrains of an established tradition, the more the system calls upon you to let go of your ego. Certainly not to offer bragging rights or give you reason to feel inflated.

Heck, my coven sis and I used to joke with our HP and HPS: "Hey, I thought this was called 'elevation'...so why do I feel like my life is going to hell?!"

Well, it is that old adage coming into play: "The more you learn, the less you realize you know and the more you have yet to learn." So it was with my personal experience of things that progress I charted at each level of each degree only led me to know that there was more undiscovered territory that I had to become acquainted with. It is ongoing, lifelong...heck, several lives long if you think about it...and continues to be a remarkable the way toward being exposed more deeply and openly to deity. Truly, ego smashing stuff.

Nothing confronts you more intensely than these ongoing lessons which drive the responsibility and desire to grow further and further home into your soul and cranium.

Each encounter makes me well up from the core of my very being, to nearly cry out to the power of All That Is and say, "I don't know yet" and "I don't quite understand," and leaves me begging for insight and sometimes for mercy, until the Lord and Lady guide and direct me ---sometimes forcibly--- to confront head on those situations that would help me grok, whatever it was They wanted me to register and fix in my life.

The Gods have a funny way of making you repeat your lessons...with ever-increasing intensity... until you finally let go of your preconceptions and self-indulgent thinking and just let go and let the messages wash over you. Hence the oft mentioned "clue-by-four" to the head you may hear tales of.

Trust me when I say there is nothing less of an "all mighty and powerful OZ" moment than that. It is very much a humbling experience, the antithesis of self-aggrandizing.

But what is miraculous about it at the same time is that even in the midst of your suffering to learn, you know that you are loved.

You are channel, vessel, priest/ess....yes, but you are also one of Their hidden children. What makes it special is that you have come into this path willingly, and as such are mindful of what is transpiring, aware of the process as it washes over and through you, your covenmates, and your connections on the warp and weft of the skein of all life. This, to me, is what makes a witch's relationship with deity so very intimate and personal, even as it is connected to what is universal. It is both microcosm and macrocosm, both omnipresent and immanent.

I am S/He as you are S/He and you are me and we are all together.....

And just when you feel most overwhelmed by it all, just when the solemnity and magnitude of discovering and coming to a more profound understanding of one's place in the strands of existence, of birth-death-rebirth...that is precisely when something humorous shatters through and breaks forth in an explosion of joy, of childlike wonder and ecstasy.

You find yourself laughing, expressing the whole gamut of human frailty and generosity in song, in dance, in the pure, unadulterated outpouring of love. Agape, philia and eros surge and abound as the creative comes out of the void and renews everything.

At all times, this experience of being at the epicenter and event horizon is greater than the sum of our human capacity. You cannot be belittle or reduce it with the mere flattery of your own ego ---you as but one practitioner, as if you alone are capable of exhibiting this great work of the Gods.

You are simply one man or woman as vehicle for Them acting in corporeal form. The trick to being an oracle is that one cannot be "home" when it happens. Learning to do this, to be a channel is an honor, yes. And it is fearful and blessed to be able to learn to do so. Yet at no time can anyone who has experienced this say that it is something which they themselves own or control.

It requires the distinct lack of ego, pretense and vanity, in order for it to be possible. Bragging is so not what this is about, especially since it is not even you, but Them, at the helm.

Which is also why, as a teacher of the version of the Craft I was taught, I would pass this great gift of knowledge, of material and experience and the safe space to come to understandings at one's own pace in due time through step-by-incremental-step revelation....I do this with humility.  Again, my role is as a vessel through which the understandings pass to the new practitioner.  It is not me, my ego, who bestows.  It is not me who gives that person "birth into the Craft."   Rather I am merely an access point that the Gods might use as a conduit, to help that acolyte get the tools they need in order to reach their own epiphanies and connections to the Mysteries.

I, me, the person who I am, is essentially unimportant to the transmission, other than I've been trained as a facilitator, a midwife for the experience of someone else.  I am the "training wheels" the acolyte uses for awhile until they learn the necessary techniques by which they too may make connection and communion with deity on their own.....and later, be taught, in turn, how to aid the next generation in achieving this remarkable work.

Being a priestess is absolutely NOT about me.  Being a teacher is absolutely NOT about me.  Being a keeper of my tradition's material is absolutely NOT about me.  I have been entrusted with a task, a part to play, and I am privileged to have been able to come into this task because of my training and with the assistance of, and great patience shown by, my teachers. 
I don't own anything that I hold.  I am its custodian.  Entrusted with its care and asked to ensure its continued existence and safe passage on to others.  It is an honor.....and I with grace, love and humility shall I wield it.